I never knew there was a term for the negative voices in our head. I thought it was all just THE INNER VOICE, that internal, non-stop monologue that keeps you company—especially when you’re trying to sleep. It is constantly speculating, offering ideas, questioning what you just did, planning what you should do, explaining why you enjoy a banana with Hormel’s chili, etc.
The inner voice is supposed to be helpful. I imagine it’s supposed to be like brainstorming with yourself in order to move forward in life. It’s like a little meeting of selves around a bonfire with beer and s’mores.
Imagine I have a presentation at work. My inner selves (because right now my mind is visualizing mini-marshmallows—probably because of the s’mores comment—representing various aspects of my thoughts, and they are extremely cute) would sound something like this:
Marshmallow 1: We’ll need to make slides. Nothing wordy, just something to keep the presentation focused.
Marshmallow 2: Remember that time we added all that animation and the slides failed to load over the network, so it was just waiting for text to crawl onto the slide? Embarrassing.
Marshmallow 1: We’re not doing animation. This is a quick—
Marshmallow 3: I’m glad we don’t do this sort of thing in person anymore. We wouldn’t have anything to wear because why the heck did our middle get so big out of nowhere?
[Brain backbeat: chicken-waffle-chicken-waffle-chicken waffle-fried egg!]
Marshmallow 4: Ooh, if we’re not doing animation, we should definitely find some cute, but relevant art and make sure the slides look good. We used to do graphic design, you know.
Marshmallow 2: Ugh, just keep making the file size larger and larger. You know who sees through those visual gimmicks? Everybody.
Marshmallow 3: We don’t have to be on camera for this, right?
[Brain backbeat in opera voices: Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec!]
Marshmallow 5: I feel like we deserve a raise if we’re going to do this.
Marshmallow 1: Look, y’all. If we don’t figure this out now, I am going to make sure we continue this during dream time.
Marshmallow 4: Oh, fun. That’s when we can start putting giant spiders in the audience.
I could seriously go on. Because inner voice.
ChatteR
The way I understand it, chatter is when that inner voice is no longer helpful. It’s like when you walk into a room expecting friendly conversations and laughter, but instead people are giving you the side eye while gossiping about you in an obnoxiously loud whisper.
Chatter likes to dredge up all your bad memories and project them as obstacles in your future endeavors. It can be persistent, dragging you down into a vortex of despair. Your stress levels increase, you’re overwhelmed and anxious, and you just want to give in. When you do give in, you stew in the chatter. It’s never satisfied to just let you be.
The Book
Chatter by Ethan Kross is about the voice in our head and how to deal with it. Kross, a psychologist, goes into the science of our brain speak citing research he’s done as well as various case studies conducted over the years. If you want to know about the executive functions of the brain, what really happens when you vent your problems to others, and how chatter feeds stress and underlies many mental illnesses, this is a really informative read.
That said, the book also has solutions to dealing with chatter. These aren’t the verbatim definitions from the book, but the ones that stood out to me were:
Distancing: become a fly-on-the-wall, look at the bigger picture (zoom out), time travel, say your name.
Ritual: ground yourself, be in your beliefs
Writing: journal, write it out a la stream of consciousness
Nature: take a walk, be with nature—the greenery, flowers, etc.
My takeaways
A dear friend—and fellow introvert—gifted this book to me. She and I have had several discussions on how we tend to internalize things and how we get stuck on events that made us feel bad. For example, I was in a conversation once where I sided with a bunch of co-workers who lived north of the Mason-Dixon line as they teased a colleague about how closed-minded he was because he was from the South. I thought, yeah! I’m an enlightened brown girl from the north! (Don’t ask me why my inner voice thought that.) I was then reminded that I live in Virginia and am also a southerner. (I’m not saying this is a bad thing. I am simply stating that Virginia is a southern state. I happen to like living here.)
It was one stupid conversation over dinner. Drinks were involved. I have known since grade school where the Mason-Dixon line is. I’m quite certain no one even remembers the conversation because the majority of them were inebriated extroverts who were more interested in getting their own points across. However, when I think of having a conversation with co-workers, my inner chatter reminds me that I say stupid things when I speak up. My inner chatter tells me I’m not smart, and that if I am it’s only book smart, and really the Mason-Dixon line was a book smart kind of topic that I should have known. And no one really cares what I think anyway because I’m not outgoing and I can’t roll with the punches.
It takes a lot of effort for me to speak up in casual work settings.
What do I do about this? I look at the big picture. Chances are I’m the only one who even remembers the conversation. I time travel. Will this experience be remembered in history books? Will my great-great-great grandchildren be carrying the shame of my Mason-Dixon conversation? Only if it’s to heal their own chatter! Then, I say, “Em, it’s not the stupidest thing you’ve ever said. You don’t even care what these people think about you. Just let it go.”
I’ll admit the introvert that I am will still replay this, but this experience (like others I’ve had) won’t turn me into a mute.
You’re Not Alone!
Something else the book offers that I found interesting were tips on how to provide chatter support and how to receive chatter support. I mentioned previously how venting your distress may not be as helpful as you think it is. The person you’re venting to could unintentionally make you feel worse by enabling you to stew in the chatter. Maybe the person you always vent to is great when you’re venting about work, but a different friend might be more helpful when venting about your relationship.
When it comes down to it, know that you’re not alone in experiencing chatter. Remember my life coach friend Heather whose book I reviewed? She’s super familiar with chatter and has a great blog post about it that I recommend checking out.
4 STARS ON GOODREADS
Science, case studies, examples, and tips and tricks. Easy read and not too long (my paperback is 171 pages before you get to the acknowledgements, notes, and references).
Here’s my rating system:
5 stars: I love this book so much that I must own a physical copy of it. I’m definitely going to recommend it to people.
4 stars: This was a great book. I love it, but I don’t need to own a physical copy. I’ll definitely recommend it to people.
3 stars: This is a really good book. I was entertained.
2 stars: This book was fine. I don’t hate it or anything. It was fine.
1 star: This book wasn’t for me. It might be for someone else, though. There are probably a lot of reasons why it isn’t for me. I’m not hating, though.
0 stars: I’ve read it, or maybe I didn’t finish it, or maybe I didn’t enjoy it. Could be anything.
Comment below and let me know what you thought of this book if you’ve read it!